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Because I’m a man , when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu.’ For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…..though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator….. ( applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t …and if you are feeling amorous afterwards….then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…… Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

“I think beer must be good.. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.”
–Tim, 7 years old

“Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ”
–Mellanie, 7 years old

“My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.”
–Grady, 7 years old

“‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.”
–Toby, 7 years old

“My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
–Sarah, 7 years old

“My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.”
–Lilly, 7 years old

“I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.”
–Ethan, 7 years old

“I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.”
–Shirley, 7 years old

“My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.”
–Jack, 7 years old

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